Good with Grenades
by DreamerOnDrugs
Summary: Commander Jasmine Shepard has a brand new weapon, which she uses to annoy her personal shrink of course. She works out some spelling issues and Oh, she finds out the Illusive Man's real name, Now we know why he tries to hide it so badly...


**Author's notes: **Another comedy story with Jasmine Shepard n,n. This one is set before the story An Average Normandy Day. I have dyslexia and English is not my first language, don't be to hard on me for that. But if you see any mistakes please leave a review or PM so I can correct them. Anyways, I hope you like the story! Reviews are welcomed.

**Disclaimer: **Yup, yup. I own nothing. Too bad for me, but good for Bioware ;)

* * *

**Good with Grenades **

_I won't be second guessed __**on**__ my own ship, __**by**__ my own ship – Commander Jasmine Shepard_

Commander Jasmine Shepard, Earthborn, Sole survivor from the thresher maw attack on Akuze, Captain of the Normandy, first human Spectre and often described as humanities best biotic was extraordinary annoyed. From between the battles they all had to go through in their mission to stop Saren and running errands for a pissed off Council there was no time remaining which she could spent on doing nice things, things that were fun for example.

Doing something that didn't involve death was already a welcome change. Except if that thing was writing mission reports while the most annoying pilot in the universe was looking over your shoulder. Especially when the most annoying pilot in the universe was looking over your shoulder while you're writing mission reports to correct _spelling errors_.

"Joker..." She started with a overdramatic voice. "I don't need this. I know English is not my first language but I know a great translation program..."

"The Council specifically ordered that all mission reports have to be written by the **Spectre** in command. That's you Shepard. Translation programs are not specific." Executive Officer know-it-all Pressly gave her a knowing look "And** no**, we can't disobey Council orders."

_I swear that man can read my mind._

_Maybe you're just easy to read._

_But he is always on my back, just waiting for me to make a mistake._

_Then don't._

_Make mistakes? Easy for you to say._

_I am you._

_Great, I'm having conversations with myself._

Jasmine shook the thoughts away. "Okay... but why Joker? Surely he has something better to do than teach the Commander how to write proper English."

"Because he is probably the only one, apart from me, you can't manipulate. And I actually have important things to do."

"Don't you think that Err.. I don't know.. **flying this ship** is important enough to get me off teach-duty?"

"Not when it's on autopilot Mr. Moreau." Pressly turned around and walked off the bridge.

When he was out of earshot Jasmine focused back on the orange screen in front of her. "That guy is really creeping me out lately." She muttered.

Joker nodded his head "Since he's been promoted he somehow managed to get that stick even further up in his ass."

"Help me remember that we need to space him as soon as we're able."

He raised an eyebrow at her "You want to space most of the crew."

"No..." Jasmine turned her head to look at him. "Just Liara, Kaiden, Pressly, Kyra, Selina, Jack, Roxanne, Dilan, Gregor and Howard."

_He's right that's most of the crew._

_Shut up._

"Why Kaiden and Liara?" His eyebrow raised up even higher. "You do know he likes you?"

"Yes, and that's the main reason why **he** needs to be spaced. Liara however... well let's say that Asari's have the annoying habitat to **fry** my brain. Since Liara already did this** twice**, once to get the data from the beacon and once to get the data from the gigantic geranium, I **especially** dislike her."

"Why don't you tell her that she needs to stop frying your brain?" Joker asked on a amused tone.

"Yeah, let's not save the universe because it's giving me a headache. The Council would just** love** that…"

"Not like you would listen to them." He smirked "You'd just cut them off like always." His hand went to the orange screen "contemporaneously"

Jasmine blinked "Bless you."

"No, it's contemporaneously you wrote contemparanosly."

She gritted her teeth. _Stupid English. Why can I speak my own language and the translator-earpieces everyone wears nowadays makes them understand me but can't they do the same thing if I write reports?_

_Maybe they're lazy. Every human has to learn English._

_Easy for you to say, the ones who'd lived on the streets their whole life can't go to school._

_Once again, __**I am you**__._

_Oh, Right._

Jasmine rolled her eyes and saved the report "Done." She announced.

Joker raised his brow "You forgot half of it."

She turned her chair around so she could face Joker "If they want the whole report the have to give me some kind of personal assistant so she can write it for me."

OOO Two and a half years later OOO

"Shepard, I have to remind you to the fact that throwing smoke grenades inside a active vessel is against Cerberus regulations."

"Cerberus has **regulations**?" She asked while raising an eyebrow at the blue orb.

The orb didn't answer.

"So... I **can** throw grenades inside a **non-active** vessel?"

It remained silent for a few seconds "Yeoman Chambers wants to talk to you."

_Of course she wants to talk to me, she always does. _

_Why does that annoy you?_

_Because she wants to talk to me that's why. And she is a shrink._

_She is also your assistant._

_Yes, who the hell came up with that idea._

_You did._

_Right... Since when does everyone listen to me?_

_Since you're the Commander._

_Right, I'd forgot about that._

Jasmine ignored her thoughts and laughed "Haha EDI, I win. But you can bring me to CIC anyway." If an AI could be annoyed this was EDI's moment, but all she answered was "As you wish, Shepard." As the elevator began heading down to the Combat Information Center.

_If Joker is going to mess around with the Normandy-SR2 maybe I can ask him if he wants to increase the elevator speed..._

_EDI wouldn't approve that._

_She doesn't have to know._

_She is the ship, she knows everything what happens on it._

_Somehow I wouldn't mind if the power goes out..._

"Deck 2, Combat Information Center. Crew members on deck: Jacob, Mordin, Miranda, Joker."

"Commander." An annoying voice greeted her, Jasmine looked at her shrink "What is it Miss Chambers?"

"Please, you can call me Kelly."

"No."

That was almost the only answer Kelly wasn't expecting. "Err... Ok... Err..."

"Anything **else**, Miss Chambers?"

"Err... Well... Ma'am..."

The biotic rolled her eyes "Call for me if you have found you're tongue. I'm on the bridge."

Jasmine let out a sight while walking up the bridge. "All day's on the Normandy start the same..." She sat down in the co-pilot chair, "I wake up, take a shower, then take the elevator to CIC, most of the time I then throw a smoke grenade to Miss Chambers if she talks to me, EDI starts lecturing me for half an hour, after that I walk towards the bridge, sit in the co-pilot chair and then you tell me what I need to do the rest of the day."

"I know Jaz," Joker looked at her with a grin, "but there **is **nothing to do today."

She raised her eyebrows at him "Well, there has to be! We are on an gigantic ship, with leather seats, on our way to save the whole galaxy! They rather let me die than give me some quality time."

"I can think of something to do..." His grin changed into a smile. In one movement she knocked his hat of his head, and sat back in her chair. "perv" she mumbled but with some signs of a smile in the corner of her mouth. For a few minutes it was silent, except for the colorful language Joker used while looking on the ground for his hat.

"Why do we call this a 'co-pilot chair' anyway?"

"Huh?" Joker asked, cursing when he hit his head against some of the machinery. When he finally sat back in his chair, with his hat back on his head she continued, "Well, this 'co-pilot chair' has zero functionality. You can't do anything pilotisch because there are no computers stationed here, or any controls. The only thing the 'co-pilot' can do, if we even had one, is sitting here and look outside the window."

"That's why Cerberus didn't built one in the first place. We've just asked for a copy of **my** chair so you could sit here." after she gave him a gaze he quickly added, "But I'm **really** happy asked for it or else I would sit here all day alone, listening to that stupid AI telling me the airlock is ajar." Luckily EDI didn't response.

"Okay so I guess that's the reason they didn't put this thing here in the first place, next question: Why won't they let me use **any** computer that's linked to **anything** from Cerberus? They've even took away the laptop in my cabin."

Joker smiled "I think that's because last time you went to 'read your mail' it ended up in you, with some help from Jack, hacking into almost all the classified Cerberus files."

Jasmine laughed, "Oh yeah, **that** really pissed them of didn't it?"

He shook his head "No, but I think that the fact that you had sent half of their files to the** Alliance** and downloaded the other half to your datapad did the trick."

"Aren't you proud of me? I finally managed to sent a whole document without spelling errors" She said with a smile, then her voice turned serious "You know there is some pretty funny stuff on the Cerberus Network."

"Like what?"

An evil smile appeared on her face "The Illusive Man's real name"

"And that is?" he asked, suddenly very interested.

She stood up from her chair to lean on his "I understand now why he calls himself the Illusive Man. I wouldn't tell anyone my name either if it wa-" Before she could finish her sentence EDI interrupted her, "Shepard. Sharing classified information with unauthorized crew members is against Cerberus protocol."

She turned her head back to him "Why is that AI always ruining our fun?"

"Maybe they programmed it that way, to prevent us from getting distracted and keeping us 'focused on our jobs'" he rolled his eyes.

"Luckily we can keep ourselves distracted" she smirked before planting a kiss on his lips. After a few seconds he pulled back, as a question she tilted her head at him. He looked annoyed, "Shh... I can tell when it's watching us."

"I'm always watching Mr. Moreau." EDI responded

"I know!"

Jasmine laughed again, "I wonder how the rest of the crew is tacking their day off..." she said more to herself than to him.

"Maybe they are, you know e-mailing their friends, family and lovers or something."

She shook her head "I really doubt that, if you join Cerberus you're not permitted to have a life."

"Gee, thanks Commander." He grinned at her while she sat back down on her chair. "Do you have any other questions that need answering?"

"Yes, I actually have some left" She said "About this stupid language you're trying to teach me." Joker gave her one of his famous eyebrow raises she took this as a sign for her to start asking her questions "If two gooses are geese, then why aren't two moose meese, or when two foots are feet, why aren't two footballs feetball?"

He blinked "Are you joking with me?"

"Joking? Me?" She said with a overdramatic voice "I wouldn't dare."

The blue orb pupped up. "Shepard, Yeoman Chambers has asked to speak with you."

"Oh, the shrink finally found her tongue?"

"I thought you'd liked having a personal assistant."

She gave him a look before standing up and walking off the bridge. "Having my own personal assistant, yes. Having my own personal shrink, not so much."

_She'd recovered more quickly than she used to do._

_Maybe she's getting used to it._

_Maybe... Maybe I need more grenades._

"Commander, the Illusive man has bought new fish for your aquarium." Kelly said as soon as she saw Jasmine. "And he wish to speak to you in the debriefing room."

"Can't I have lunch first?"

"Shepard, it's 0903 having lunch at this time is not recommended."

"What? It's against Cerberus' **regulations**?" She asked while rolling her eyes. Before taking off to the debriefing room she putted a round object on top of Kelly's desk. Right before she went through the door she heard Kelly yelp and right after that she saw a big cloud of some coming around the corner.

_She__** so**__ deserved that..._

As soon as she stepped in the room the holographic Illusive man began to speak "Shepard, looks like EDI had extracted some interesting information before the collector ship came back online."

"Yes, and she also discovered that you **knew **that the turian distress signal was not real!"

The Illusive man lighted a cigarette "We needed that information to get to the collector homeworld. Without it, you and every other human may as well be dead. It was a trap, yes. But was am confident in your abilities.

"You have one job. Information. If I can't trust your in tell you're useless to me."

He ignored her. "We need to get our hands on one of those Reaper IFF's. I have sent further information to EDI. Now, is there anything else you need? "

Jasmine rolled her eyes "So long Willy. Oh, and thanks for all the fish." At those words his face darkened but Joker cut the connection before he could lose his temper. She heard Joker laugh through the intercom. "Willy? The Illusive man's name is **Willy**?"

Jasmine turned around and walked to the door "Yup, Willy Buttface."


End file.
